Sometimes people come into your life and strike up a
conversation with you that invokes memories you forgot the significance
of. The memory doesn’t ever leave
you, but the importance of it gets lost in the greater scheme of your
life. Tonight, I was reminded by a
new, but already dear friend Andrew, about the tipping point in my life when
everything went belly-up for what has ultimately become the greater good.
Some of you know me quite well and know what I went through after coming back from India. Others may have an inkling. Most probably have no idea. And really, to be honest, it doesn’t matter... if you want the full story, you can ask. Let’s get on with it.
So yes, I did study abroad in India and yes, it was a life changing experience in so many more ways than I could ever succinctly write here. India was my coming of age in that it opened my eyes to spiritual growth that didn’t require religion along with it. At the same time, India opened up a Pandora’s Box of emotions and instability that, at the time, I was ill-equipped to handle. I’m better at it now, but still not perfect, nor will I ever be, no matter how many years or lifetimes I get to practice.
By the grace of modern medicine and a semester’s break from college in 2009, I sorted myself out enough to function in society. I’d be remiss to ignore those first few months home, though, because they were flanked with a lot of crying, a lot of not understanding the world and a never-ending cycle of antidepressants and other drug cocktails. It’s amazing, in retrospect, how every medical specialist knows exactly what is wrong with you and exactly how to fix it. Tee up about 10 prescription medications all at the same time and you’re either going to be medicated into tolerable ignorance or just plain bent out of shape. For me, it was the latter, but I stayed on one drug (Cymbalta) because I knew it was the right thing for me to do in a time when I needed something stronger and bigger than myself.
Some of you know me quite well and know what I went through after coming back from India. Others may have an inkling. Most probably have no idea. And really, to be honest, it doesn’t matter... if you want the full story, you can ask. Let’s get on with it.
So yes, I did study abroad in India and yes, it was a life changing experience in so many more ways than I could ever succinctly write here. India was my coming of age in that it opened my eyes to spiritual growth that didn’t require religion along with it. At the same time, India opened up a Pandora’s Box of emotions and instability that, at the time, I was ill-equipped to handle. I’m better at it now, but still not perfect, nor will I ever be, no matter how many years or lifetimes I get to practice.
By the grace of modern medicine and a semester’s break from college in 2009, I sorted myself out enough to function in society. I’d be remiss to ignore those first few months home, though, because they were flanked with a lot of crying, a lot of not understanding the world and a never-ending cycle of antidepressants and other drug cocktails. It’s amazing, in retrospect, how every medical specialist knows exactly what is wrong with you and exactly how to fix it. Tee up about 10 prescription medications all at the same time and you’re either going to be medicated into tolerable ignorance or just plain bent out of shape. For me, it was the latter, but I stayed on one drug (Cymbalta) because I knew it was the right thing for me to do in a time when I needed something stronger and bigger than myself.
About a year ago I promised myself I’d get off medication,
if for no other reason than to understand how I felt without any kind of
chemical intervention, be it pharmaceuticals or vitamins. I wasn’t as worried about the
stigma of taking these types of pills – if I was, I’d never write this
entry. Roughly six months
ago, the process of tapering off medication ended, and so did a reign of 4
years under the chemical veil.
I needed to do this for me.
Mostly because I wanted to see if the medication was really necessary
and if it was, I wanted to understand exactly what it was doing for me. I was nervous to experience withdrawal
symptoms that are often equated with the worst kind of hell… more nervous, though, to have to bear
the thought of actually needing the pills and knowing that whatever triggered
in India was going to result in a permanent lifestyle change.
It’s only been six months without and I do feel different, but not necessarily worse. Just different. I’m a little more anxious, a little more achey in my neck and shoulders. I sleep more, which I didn’t know was possible seeing as how I sleep a lot as it is. But in this rebirth comes the opportunity and the challenge to approach life and health from an even more holistic perspective.
It’s only been six months without and I do feel different, but not necessarily worse. Just different. I’m a little more anxious, a little more achey in my neck and shoulders. I sleep more, which I didn’t know was possible seeing as how I sleep a lot as it is. But in this rebirth comes the opportunity and the challenge to approach life and health from an even more holistic perspective.
I was reminded that the spiritual essence of what you learn
in emotional strife stays with you no matter where you go and who you
become. I gained a tremendous
amount from yoga and meditation, from understanding my body and its connection
to my mind and to putting a concentrated effort into the importance of positive,
healing energy. Still, I am
unsettled lately, largely because of the stress of my work, but in a smaller
sense, I am getting my first exposure to the raw emotion that I relied on
medication to hide.
The theme for me going forward is to do better and be better. This year, I promised that I would be a better friend and coworker. I am grateful for the new opportunities my job has presented me with this year. They are time consuming and, for lack of a better way to put it, taking over my life, and this is a path that I chose and accepted. I do truly love what I do. However, on the corporate path, my spiritual path has fallen by the wayside at the expense of some inner peace and quality time with friends and family. In the quest to do better, I need to relearn balance and make it an active, real part of my life. This will be my m.o. going forward.
So there you have it. The happy-go-lucky, cynically sarcastic guy on the plane (and now in the office, too) has a story you didn’t expect. The truth, however, is that the story is still being written. If we really do choose our direction and attract things into our lives by the energy we exhale, then yes, the story is most definitely still being written.
I can give you a teaser into the next chapter though and it goes something like this…
He found balance in a semi-backwards way that somehow worked for him. He was happy; happier than he'd been in a long time and happier that he didn't give up in the darker days of years past. He still devoted an unreasonable amount of time to work, but invested much more time to be with his friends and family. He challenged himself to make the most of the “up” days and to accept the “down” days with as much grace and poise as is humanly possible. Above all else, he rested at night knowing that he was free from medication and this was valuable to him for one reason alone: whatever emotion he was feeling was real. That, to him, was the truest indication of life and it was, in every sense of the word, beautiful.
The theme for me going forward is to do better and be better. This year, I promised that I would be a better friend and coworker. I am grateful for the new opportunities my job has presented me with this year. They are time consuming and, for lack of a better way to put it, taking over my life, and this is a path that I chose and accepted. I do truly love what I do. However, on the corporate path, my spiritual path has fallen by the wayside at the expense of some inner peace and quality time with friends and family. In the quest to do better, I need to relearn balance and make it an active, real part of my life. This will be my m.o. going forward.
So there you have it. The happy-go-lucky, cynically sarcastic guy on the plane (and now in the office, too) has a story you didn’t expect. The truth, however, is that the story is still being written. If we really do choose our direction and attract things into our lives by the energy we exhale, then yes, the story is most definitely still being written.
I can give you a teaser into the next chapter though and it goes something like this…
He found balance in a semi-backwards way that somehow worked for him. He was happy; happier than he'd been in a long time and happier that he didn't give up in the darker days of years past. He still devoted an unreasonable amount of time to work, but invested much more time to be with his friends and family. He challenged himself to make the most of the “up” days and to accept the “down” days with as much grace and poise as is humanly possible. Above all else, he rested at night knowing that he was free from medication and this was valuable to him for one reason alone: whatever emotion he was feeling was real. That, to him, was the truest indication of life and it was, in every sense of the word, beautiful.
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